What is a healthy relationship? After looking back, I realize I have never been in a one.
When I say never, I mean just that… never. Which says a lot about the types of people I chose to date.
Let’s define a healthy relationship. I see it as one where there is give and take. I have your back and you have mine. There is trust, communication, loyalty, and most of all understanding. We don’t hide each other, however we keep things between us. Everyone should know I am your girl, but not just in name only. Not just one who make loving posts about each other, but are actually loving. Those that choose to love you evryday, in your love language even when it is difficult. Those who apologize but would never outwardly try to cause you harm or embarrassment. The kind where you don’t even realize how long its been because who counts time when you are having a good time. But also during those rainy days and hard nights, they don’t leave. They hold your hand through the storm and love you regardless…
I have had non-toxic moments, months even. But an actual healthy relationship, nope. Maybe I have lacked a healthy relationship because I wasn’t healthy myself. I have heard that you tend to attract what you are. I tended to date selfish individuals who only think about themselves, and maybe because I was in a place where I didn’t know how to put myself first. I put myself last so, I continually found individuals who would have me put them first, and myself last. I wonder what it would be like to be with someone who actually considered me their equal. They cared about my wants, my needs, and who was my actual cheerleader.
I’m not talking just about cheating, yes cheating happened. I am talking about being a considerate individual. I dated a guy for two years who when I decided to take classes to better myself, he broke up with me saying I made him feel less than. I dated two guys who soon after we got together they lost their jobs, they lost themselves. They were so concerned with the perception of being the man, they didn’t even see me. What also interesting, I have been a girl loved in retrospect. While in the relationship, I was seldom seen, heard, understood, professed or catered to. When I run into them the story seems so different, they often mention how much they love me, how wonderful I am, how much they appreciate me NOW. Where was that appreciation when I was standing in front of them asking them to love me even half as much as I loved them.
I always put them first. His plate, his dreams, his aspirations and all that got me a lot of heartache and feeling single in a relationship.
Does anyone remember the lyrics of that song by Profyle
“You’re nothing but
A liar, a cheater, a deceiver, heart breaker
And I won’t let you back in my life
So I’m takin
The house, the cars, the kids, and the dog
I want it all”
I have had my share of liars, deceivers and heartbreakers. I had a long talk with a good friend of mine today about how to move on after a bad relationship. She broke it down into mathematical terms I could understand. She gave me the analogy of the sunk cost dilemma. Does the emotional difficulty in deciding to move on outweigh the time and money spent in the relationship? Will spending more time and money get me my desired result? Does all my hard work and sacrifice in these bad relationships make me over value those individuals and in turn make me keep inputting into something I am not getting the any value out of? She went on to say, you were not in love with the individuals, you were in love with a personality construct, who that individual turned out not to be. That construct isn’t real therefore the love isn’t either. She goes on to say, that I wasn’t Oprah and I didn’t have to keep giving. She said this is a take your cake and eat it moment, and that dick is now banned from the bakery….
I deserve, well we all deserve equal love. I want what kept trying to give to everyone else. So I think I am done with relationships, and friendships with exes at least for now. I realize even as friends I still feed into them more than I was ever given. As I grow into this new woman, I am in need of some self-love. I need to give myself the love I never received. To be there for me, to be my own biggest cheerleader. To put myself first. To get the big piece of chicken. LOL After I did my own sunk cost dilemma analysis, the effort I put into all my exes was not worth it. Maybe just maybe if I continue the work on myself, eventually I will meet someone who has done the work too and the amount of effort we apply will be worth so much more than any problems that arise. Then, I can be in a healthy relationship I always read about but never experienced.